I'm sitting at my laptop, and I've returned to this position very frequently over the last couple of weeks, waiting for inspiration to hit so I can write a new blog post. What do I want to write about? What have I got to say? Well a lot, but nothing can come out. It's where I've mentally sat with my paintings for a while, I can't manage to get anything out. It's trapped, and churning inside me making me feel sick, nauseous, anxious and tired. I've felt like this before, and it happened just before lockdown hit and I lost my creative energy.
I'm blocked. I'm left speechless with nothing to say and no power to try. I don't want to talk right now. I've been talking all lockdown and now it's time for me to dwell in the peace and quiet for a bit whilst my mental state has it's moment of disturbance.
So whilst I have nothing to say, I'm going to carry on with the creative block and mental strain I'm experiencing as I'm sure a lot of other people are in the same boat and sometimes it's nice to know you're not alone. I'm sort of forcing myself to stay in this space for a while. I think it's important to allow yourself time to slow down and take away the pressure to always be productive. I'm still an artist. I'm still a feminist. I'm still Jess. That doesn't stop when my hands stop working, it takes a rest and still stays inside me because it's a part of me. These moments of nothing are imperative to our growth. Stillness allows us to stay present. It allows us to process hard truths and understand who we are as individuals.
I threw myself back into the expectation of doing everything all at once when lockdown lifted and never realised the best way to introduce myself back to reality was to go slow and be as unproductive as possible. Lesson learned, hopefully for the last time as I would rather not go into lockdown again!
Most people I've spoken to have experienced the same reaction to a returning normality, and not many of those people including myself have found an answer or solution to the overwhelming fogginess they wake up with. I carry this hangover constantly and can't figure out how to summon any type of clarity.
It's left me questioning the wellness of my health. Am I sick, is it my contraception, is it my female hormones, is there something actually wrong with me? So in addition to a creative block, I'm riddled with anxiety about my health and then the anxiety sends me mad about the rest of my life. Vicious cycle right? No wonder I'm tired.
I wont lie, I have instances of serenity and they sometimes last long enough for me to feel like everything will be okay. And those moments remind me of the impermanence of life, how nothing stays the same for very long and your life can literally be turned upside down in an instant. Attaching ourselves to routine and stability, whilst a wonderful thing to strive for, is pretty impossible. I experience this every time I finally have my skin care routine down, I'm eating healthy and getting good sleep, when something really inconvenient or malevolent enters my little bubble and leaves me vulnerable.
I don't know where I'm going with this post, but I think it's a necessary word vomit speech that I just can't submit my boyfriend to anymore, so you're getting it. These vulnerable spaces need to happen, our social world still very much exists online whilst we slowly slip back into the chilling pool of 'normality' and we have complete control over how we live our lives. Whether it's true or authentic is a mystery to the masses who view your life through a digital window which can often leave us wondering why perfection is so hard to achieve even though everyone else is somehow doing it. I'll tell you a secret, they're not. No one actually lives the life they promote online, it's a highlight reel and best of moments that casts a shadow over all of the bad bits. I guess I'm guilty of it too, of promoting my 'best' life which 9 times out of 10 is a fucking lie, and guilty of absorbing those moments from others and punishing myself for not having my shit together like they do.
I think this is why I've been so chaotic. I'm trying to bake too many cakes with not enough ovens and it's just never going to work. Patience, slow down and just focus on what is within our control.
And stop comparing yourself. We all know that never helps. We are amazing just as we are, we all have something really special and unique to offer the world, doesn't matter what that is, but don't lose it. It's going to make you richer than you ever thought. And I don't mean money, I mean rich in happiness, rich in success, rich in love, rich in energy. Sometimes it just takes a little longer than we thought, and that's okay.
Signing off for now, and I promise it won't be as long til my next piece. Thank you for being here with me, trusting me and sharing with me constantly. Lots of love, Jess xxxxxxx